Cbeebies in "Brainwashing Conspiracy"

I know, it's terrifying, isn't it? Those of us who stay at home with our children are apparently the victims of the latest government conspiracy. According to Laura Kemp at the Daily Mail, the nasty Labour government are trying to force us back to work by brainwashing our children into wanting to go to nursery.
Can you imagine? Children who watch Me Too, where kiddies are actually happy with a childminder, might actually grow up believing that it's okay for mummy to work! Even more shocking, the programme features *gasp* single parents.
Yes, the, government, with the help of the BBC, are poisoning our children's minds with images of so many things that are just not "normal" - single parents, disabled presenters, ethnic foods and mummies who go out to work...
What's next? Talking animals?
Tut tut, it's no wonder the country is in the state it's in!
Some might say that Laura Kemp is just reading a wee bit too much into the content of preschool TV. Some might even go as far as to say she is having paranoid delusions.
I, however, understand. After all, I've had my fair share of paranoid delusions myself. I have this paranoid belief that the Daily Mail is trying to brainwash us into believing that all women should stay at home and keep house, all men should be macho hunter-gatherer types, and anyone who is the slightest bit different is to be treated with extreme suspicion.
Ha! How paranoid is that?
Oh, wait...

Shocking News

I don't know how to break it to you but I have just become aware of some *very* shocking news.

I think it's fair to say that people around the world will always remember where they were when they found out that Kate Silverton has size 9 feet. We'll bring you more on this as and when we have it. Stay strong everyone.

Transthumbers

So, I know what we've all been thinking in the embarrassingly long period since the last post on this blog - "Megan Fox - what's that all about?". We've all been terribly upset at someone being so incredibly popular and successful and attractive, we've laid in bed at night and wondered why she hasn't got horrific facial warts, or legs like hams, or a moustache and soul patch or a hunchback or something. We've wondered when the steady, screaming choirs of our own self loathing will stop. We've changed our name to Daily Mail Reporter. We've searched through the new Transformer film frame by frame. We've discovered a flaw. We've rejoiced. We've written an article. We get paid for this.

Daily Mail In Struggle With Reality

So the last two blog entries have covered two complete non-events and today could have easily been no exception (especially after the truly bizarre decision by the ever-profound Daily Mail Reporter to write the story of how a woman lost weight, but not height) but, no, time to take it a step further. Not just a non-event, oh no, but a fictional one.

So maybe the article includes thoughts from the actors on their hard-hitting storyline? Perhaps a comment from a BBC spokesperson? Some statistics about premature births? Implications of the impact the story could have? No, it offers nothing other than a synopsis of the storyline. WHY? How is this news? It makes everything covered in my last two blog entries look like a veritable smorgasbord of useful, talented, relevant journalism.

Not content with reporting the latest twists and turns of a soap opera it seems that our beloved Daily Mail Reporter fancies writing one of their own. So after Cheryl Cole was seen looking a little bit sad on the phone they couldn't resist the chance to embellish things with some blatant speculation. "Perhaps she was consoling her recently departed protegée Laura White". Take it further I say. "It can only be speculated that after coming off the phone Mrs Cole might have encountered a passing Pegasus and then, perhaps, had a tea party with Princess Di who would have possibly offered her endless support for the campaign to reinstate Laura on the X Factor." It's little wonder Cheryl has had the flu with such a hectic schedule.

Stop the presses!! Woman Has Shopping Delivered

Hello!

Time for another dose of Daily M/Fail.

First of all I'd like to kick things off with a little game I'd like to (snappily) call... Spot The Fail In The Mail. Right, I know, I was up as long coming up with that one as "Daily Mail Reporter" was when coming up with the (amazing) photo caption Bland Woman (because Michelle Ryan was in BIONIC woman and BLAND and BIONIC both begin with B. The law of punnery dictates that hilarity ensues.) We'll ignore what utter tripe that article is though and move onto STFITM.

I've noticed over time that The Daily Mail's website is appallingly edited.

So, can you Spot The Fail In The Mail?


If you can, indeed, STFITM congratulate yourself on being more literate than Daily Mail Reporter. That's one point to you, nil the D.M.R.

But that's enough tomfoolery for today. It's time to get down to the serious news of the day. It seemed at first that today's most significant story would come from (Bland) Michelle Ryan but then a terrible, awful thing happened in Warrington.

Nothing less than catastrophic.

Kerry Katona had some shopping delivered. This shopping contained Coca Cola and Sugar Puffs and ("presumably") FROZEN FOOD.

WILL THIS WOMAN STOP AT NOTHING!?!?

Yours Sincerely,
Disgusted of Derbyshire.

Woman in BARELY VISIBLE FLAW shock

Ok, so I have been meaning to start this for quite some time.

It's rare that a day goes by when there is not some inexplicable nonsense from the Daily Mail. I mean it's hardly surprising, but amusing and disturbing none the less.

Let's start off with some really important breaking news, here's an example of some truly useful journalism in action. I know it's been on our collective mind a lot lately and this latest twist has proved shocking. Yes, it's the issue on everyone's lips - Kate Moss's chest skin.

I, for one, have been unable to sleep at night and frankly inconsolable since the shock of the woman getting off a transatlantic flight without the good decency to wear some makeup and spare us all from her unsightly slightly-tired-looking-ness. Now if that weren't enough Kate has chosen to inflict further horror on us in the form of her chest skin.

Now, you may be wondering what the hell is wrong with it, after all whatever horrific problem is clearly invisible to the naked eye, but obviously it has warranted an article, somehow. I especially love how it seems to lurch from one idea to the next with no real sense of direction before closing with the best sort of vague journalism.

What was the article actually about? Her chest? Her face? The US Election? Her boyfriend? Well done "Daily Mail Reporter" another triumph.

Definitely the most significant piece of news since Geri Halliwell wore purple tights, OHWHATAFAUXPAS